She Doesn't Have Time...

blah...Kyle and I stayed at the shop the past two nights b/c trucks of spas have been coming in later and someone had to be here to get them. It's not that bad staying here though.

I'm really getting homesick...and the more I do, the worse I treat Kyle. I love him more than anyone and, yet, I treat him worse than anyone. smh Maybe part of me is blaming him for me having to leave Kentucky and Indiana or maybe he's just the closest to me and the nearest one to lash out on. Probably a little of both. I love him dearly, but I'm starting to freak out about being here. I half want to run home to Kentucky and the apt. with mom, break up with Kyle, and flee to Texas after graduation. I'd love to live in a little town in Texas and go to college n' all that. Of course, I'd never actually dooo any of that...but it's making me antsy cause i keep thinking about it. I want to be free and able to flirt and date and just have FUN! I mean, I'm only just 18 and there's so much to do and so much to see and I'm giving it all up, settling down with one man and just going through life in the motions. It's everyday same old stuff and then some day we'll have babies n' my life will be just like every other girl's life who thought she was in love at 16 and ran away to get married, y'kno? I don't know. Maybe I'm just confused and homesick n' that's making me think of all this..but I thought about all this before I even moved here..*shrugz* This is just really hard. I don't know if this is where I want to be in life anymore, but yet I KNOW I'll never leave it. For whatever reason, I have no idea...

hmm...on a happier note...we're (Kyle, his dad and I) are leaving Sunday morning (3 days away!) to drive down to Portland, Oregon for his dad's dr. apt., and I'm going to meetat least 2 of Kyle's friends...Bryan (the one i talk to online) and Ian (of whom Kyle's told me about and I don't think I like!) ..but that's not the great news! lol The great, happy news is that I get my dog on monday! I'm pretty phsyced about that! It's gonna be great...I've waited foreverrr to have a dog...the only thing that's spoiling my excitement over getting him, is that I miss Doodle-Bug like crazy. Thinking about how he was at the apt. and how he was when i left him outside at Amanda's is driving me crazy. He was so confident and loving and playful at the apt. but at Amanda and Zeb's outside, he was scared and would barely come to be and he even GROWLED at me when i picked him up!!! He doesn't do that n' so that was a shocker. smh I hope he gets used to being outside and that nothing happens to him. I'm all he's ever known and it broke my heart to leave him there, and now I'm wondering how I could even have thoughttt about leaving him, let alone have done it. He's the one that kept me going and was always there when I needed someone..He was my baby..and I just left him...

Anyways, this business about Kyle and I getting a car before school starts...well I'm starting to question if its gonna happen. He thinks you can just go and see a car and buy it and that's a done deal, but it's not that easy. But because he thinks that, he's pissing around waiting to get one, which is completely aggrivating because I wanted to get a job in August and like this, it ain't gonna happen! I brought $600 with me when I came here...and it's gone. I've been here 2 1/2 weeks and 600 is gone. Poof. That's about 6 of my paychecks from McDz...which is about 3 months of work.( I only worked on weekends!) and I have nothing to show for it. For the entire year and a half I worked there I have nothing to show for it. That's a definite self-esteem knocker and mind blower. Since I've been here, Kyle and I have paid with everything pretty much with my cash...like he didn't want to use his...and now I have nothing. What if we break up? I'll have NOTHING. I'm completely dependent on him now..and I tell you what...that is some scarey shit. He's started, just every now and then, saying stuff like "You ate both of those?! Jeez!" (about these tiney cinnaman things) and 2-3 days ago we made brownies, and i got 1/2 a piece that Kyle brought to me, and the next day they were all gone. An entire 13x9" pan of brownies completely wiped out by him n' his family in less than 24 hours...and last night we made more and brought them to the shop with us, and I had one and he saw my plate with crumbs on it and goes, "I see you've been eating the brownies." and i was like, "I had one." And he goes, "Just one?"..and then later he ate 3/4 of the pan of them. I don't get it. Before I moved here and the first week I was here he was always like "You never eat, you need to eat." and now he's harping on me for how much and what i eat. He starts saying things about calories and that i needa get up and exercise, not read my book...all the while he's sitting on the computer playing games. Plus! I make him go on walks with me everyday, and he always whines and makes up some excuse to cut the walk short. That's such CRAP. and I'm getting tired of it. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks with him and I'm half scared to eat in front of him. He never used to say that stuff...but now that I'm living here..things are changing. n' he expectsss me to do his laundry and iron his clothes for him, like his mom used to do b4 i came. That's CRAP toO! It's all just getting on my nerves. And with him doing all that shit, that makes it 100 times worse for me to have no money here. You'd think those were signs to let me know to get my ass out of this place before it gets really bad, but I'm not. I'm staying and I'm not 100% sure why.

gtg -bella-